new xanga this one is being gay.
^its ugly for now. im still working on the layout

sick.

today was one of those days
when the smallest thing
even something like dropping your pencil,
makes you want to break down and cry.

i cant even begin to explain this.

<3

officially DONE.

im sick of everything ive gone through.. and im so ready to move on. and i am so proud.
Bethany Lewis gave me this verse :

Psalm 37:4
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

if i want to be satisfied in my life.. im not going to get there by trying to find my desires on my own, or trying to fill the desires of my heart with things of the world, because those things arent what i really want. But if i can find delight in God, then he can give me what my heart really desires, and that gap that ive been feeling can just disappear and i can finally just be complacent and content in my life. Im hoping i can find happiness and satisfaction through him.. cause im not really finding it myself. So prayer for me would be greatly appriciated. i need all the support that i can get. I need the strength to pull through all of everything thats going on, and to help me move on to new and better things. And i pray that my life will be able to glorify him from this day on.. cause ive realized thats what i should have done a longgggggg time ago.

thank you for everything Bethany. you are truly Godsent.

so me caty meghan and chelcie are supposed to hang out this weekend. that should be fun. im excited to get to know them better. besides caty.. shes already like my best friend.

umm. no other plans i can think of so far. so if you want to do something.. im open for booking

if its any concern to you. . . yes. it is my fault everything with me and joey went up in flames. i take total blame and responsibility..and i regret every word or action i did to make things this between us this way.. i cant express enough how much i wish i could change everything.

Welcome to my world where,
being,
yourself is [never] enough

I used to be a strong girl.
But a lot has changed,
a lot has happened,
and I've had to deal with so much more
than any person should ever have to go through,
and you know something?
I finally broke.
Everything around me crashed,
and I fell right with it.
I'm not that strong anymore...
I can't handle this anymore.

It's sad when people you know
become people you knew...
When you can walk right past someone
like they were never a big part of your life...
How you used to be able to talk for hours,
and now you can barely even look at them.
It's sad how times change.

so I put on my make-up
put a smile on my face
and if anyone asks me
everything is OKAY

Nothing's forever
Forever's a lie
All we have is what's
between hello and goodbye.

There’s this girl I know
I see her everyday
She's miserable from head to toe
She's not as happy as she says
Outside she puts on a smile
But she's crying inside all the while
She pretends what they say doesn't bother her
She just laughs
But her eyes are pouring out invisible tears
She acts as she loves life
But really she feels like why not
its not like it would matter
I know this girl well
I even know her thoughts
She tries so hard to be perfect
But at the end of the day
She feels like she's not good enough
like life is sometimes too tough
This girl is part of me
She’s always there
Because I see her
When I look in the mirror.

So wipe your eyes.
and put another fake smile
on your face
just because the sun rises tomorrow
doesn’t mean you’ll make it
through today…

I can't take it anymore...
everyone think's I'm indestructible,
the girl who never flinches,
the girl who always has a smile on her face,
the girl who's gone through nothing,
the girl who has no scars...
and I'm tired of it;
I don't want to live behind a wall of laughter
and fake smiles anymore...
I want people to understand me,
I want people to understand
how hard it is to be me
and have to deal with all this shit,
and still be expected to be happy 

I'm the girl that's always lost,
the one with the fake smiles,
the girl who seems to be so strong,
but inside continues to break,
the girl who's always there,
and seems to have no problems of her own
... the one who holds back the tears
until she's off the phone.

I can't look at my reflection,
because I no longer know,
who's staring back.

Even her friends
don't know her.
She's a question
without answers.
when did your smile
become so fake?
When did the happiness
begin to fade away?
when did you
become worthless?
When was it exactly
that you started to
break?

It's always the
bad news
that's easier
to believe

&&slowly as the
year goes on,
you lose friends,
you never thought,
you would...

just trying to let everything go.
<3

im pretty sure it's not coming back.

cool